When the Marriage *Spark* Seems to Fizzle

A number of years ago I read the very wise words of a doctor who specialized in treating Panic and Anxiety Disorder, Depression, and related psychiatric ailments. Dr Claire Weekes, who died in 1986, suffered from these things herself so carried great credibility when I needed treatment that would be both self-administered and effective. But what she taught me carries over into virtually every aspect of life. I wish to address one key area here; marriage, and how we cope when that "spark" seems to be fading and about to die. Please bear with me as I lay what may seem to be an irrelevant groundwork...

Let me briefly describe the person who has been mired in depression and anxiety for a long period of time. Not only is depression a term which well describes the downward spiral of mood, it becomes a daily retinue of hopelessness, listlessness, and can be so crippling that even the simple decision of what to make for dinner can by beyond the ability of a very, very tired mind. Thoughts are scrambled and we are unable to pick one from the bunch and concentrate on anything at all. We are overwhelmed by a veritable vacuum of emotion which is so draining we eventually will be unable to even cry for a brief release. When a person suffers in this way for years it becomes a challenge to do the most minor of tasks. It is not unusual to hear of such a patient being bed ridden for months, responding little, if at all, to prescribed treatments. But when the proper treatment does finally arrive, and usually this has more to do with education than it does medication, the light begins to come on once again. There is a dawning and an awakening. The dark veil begins to lift. Life seems to gain purpose. Glimpses of joy sail past and the person begins to feel alive once more. And here is the key sign of recovery; things begin to seem interesting.

There is a joy to be discovered, shared, and revelled in. But at this point the patient needs to be aware of something most health providers fail to caution. Dr. Weekes knew this, since she had cruised this cycle of illness and recovery many, many times as have I. Moving from the depths of illness to the bright light of recovery presents us with a startling contrast. The newly healthy person will feel euphoric, commanding, confident, able to conquer the world. But as time passes this feeling begins to fade. Not because they are falling again into illness. But because this is how life simply is; ordinary for the most part for most people.

No normal person feels euphoric every day, they would never accomplish a thing if they did. But the ill patient coming out of years of illness wants to hold onto that euphoria. They want to be immersed in it, bathed in it, rolled in it and deep fried in it. But that is not normal. The average person who has never been depressed does not feel that way. So life, as it begins to return to a stable routine, gradually takes on a somewhat less exciting gleam. The heightened emotions of recovery cannot be kept at fever pitch perpetually. They calm down as they are supposed to and as they are meant to.

So, after all that we come to the one word I want to use; contrast. Now I would like to apply the words of Dr Weekes herself on this topic. "The nervously ill person, suddenly emerging again into the world of life and activity after years of debilitating illness will feel euphoric, brimming over with happiness and confidence. But when these feelings begin to calm down, as they must in a very basic biological sense, they must realize, perhaps again and again, that life is not made up of perpetual euphoria. It is made up in great measure of very ordinary, frequently very uninteresting events".

If we feel the spark has gone out of a marriage, it is most often, in my unprofessional opinion, only a contrast we have become aware of. The first moments of young love, even for older people, are more exciting than pretty much anything we'll ever know on this earth. But they eventually must calm down to a manageable level. It would not be healthy if, for years on end, we could not eat or sleep because we're so enamored with the visions of loveliness we behold daily. The trouble is, we LIKE those feelings of excitement. That initial spark is what unites us and we love the feelings that accompany them; the dream world spawned from within, fed by the memories of kisses and perfumes. Only an extremely rare married couple could claim to have maintained that delirous "spark" since the day they met. And they're probably lying if they do.

As much as those feelings make us feel wonderful, they are not meant to remain turned on HIGH. Life really is very ordinary for most hours in a day for most people. We get up, shower, dress, rowse the children, make breakfast, find leftovers for lunch, off to work (which may itself be dull and uninteresting). Then shopping, dinner, dishes, laundry, tidy the living room, and finally collapse in a chair with a book or magazine wanting nothing more than to catch our breath. One day we look up and think, Where did that spark go? What happened to that euphoria we knew when we first met? Well, the spark didn't really go anywhere. It was used to ignite a long term relationship which, we often don't realize at the outset, is going to eventually be filled with these very routine and ordinary activities with little time for non-stop love making.

I am not saying that marriage need be dull and uninteresting, or without excitement. But we would do well to remember that the fever pitch, head over heels feelings we once felt are not going to come calling every day. There will not be an exciting and romantic adventure lurking around every corner waiting to surprise us. As fun as this might be the fact is that we must settle down, calm down, manage our emotions in order to get things done. When we become aware of the contrast, however, between what we may have felt many years ago and what we appear to feel today, we may become alarmed that something is wrong; something has happened, something is missing. This is one of the great myths of modern culture.

Marriage that survives long term is one that is cultivated daily. Successful marriage requires nurturing, watering, careful tending and loving attention. It cannot be so if its something we only take down from the shelf to give a dusting to when we have the inclination. It takes effort, a conscious effort. In the initial stages we are carried along on tides of emotion that are easy, joyful, and effortless. But when these things subside and return us to normal life, as will happen, we need to be aware that there is nothing wrong with dull days. There is nothing needing fixing just because we can't always find something interesting to talk about. Silence is beautiful too.

Marriage matures and ages. It grows beyond the need to be sustained by that early infatuation. It becomes self sustaining through a joint commitment to its furtherance. This commitment does not become alarmed when there is little to say and seemingly nothing interesting to do. At such times it is helpful to just rest, let quiet slide gently in and know this is a healthy thing to do. Worry over it will only prolong it, give it a needless focus, and add stress to an otherwise normal situation.

Say "I love you", as you look into the other's eyes, and mean it. A quick mumbling of those three words as we rush out the door is not the same thing, though it certainly may be all we can manage at times. Show appreciation for the smallest things, thank them for making dinner, for doing the laundry, for tidying up a mess we left behind, and for seeing that the bills get paid. Then off to bed for a good romp. Thats a prescription that cannot fail. And never fear the contrast between what once was and what now is. The former is the foundation. The latter a mighty edifice. Not every corner and closet will be filled with unending arousal and excitement. But it can become as solid as a mountain. The spark hasn't fizzled. It has become a roaring furnace, kept under control and well maintained. Or at least, it can be.