Life Lessons 3

Archie and I managed to work the kinks out of the digestive system, with a lot of trouble along the way due to Planning’s decision that there ought to be a large and a small section. There was also a new specification to provide for cramps and something called “diarrhea”. Just one more of the unpleasant functions it had been impressed upon us as being somehow important to the average human. Thankfully there had been no deadline. The finished product worked marvelously, though we both had serious doubts as to how popular it would prove to be with the end users. Then it was time to turn our attention to the bladder.

“Easy job, this one”, Archie began, “simple holdin’ tank, shut off valve, drain tube.” He was eyeing the plans in the manual. “Say, wait a minute. I didn’t know there were two different models for this. In the male version the tube comes right out through the exterior wall. Whose idea was that?”

“Let me see that”. I lifted the manual from his clutch and read the fine print at the bottom of the page. “It says here that the male drain tube is to be integrated with the reproductive system. They never told us that! Typical. It’ll mean re-wiring the nervous system and incorporating some stimulus responses.”

“And just how are these clay models going to go about reproducing?” Archie demanded.

“Why ask me? I’m only buildin’ what they specify for the damn things”. I flipped the book open again. “It says see page 229 for details on the reproductive units…. Yep, here it is. The male unit is supposed to able to use his drain tube in conjunction with a separate excavation in the female unit. Well that sounds ridiculous. Who’d want to bother with that, especially if all it means is adding a bunch of miniature clay models to the environment?”

“Look here, there’s a video came with the manual. Suppose we should have a peek at it?”

There were some instructions with the disc explaining that the Planning Committee had asked the illustrators to do up an animated version of the reproductive process in order for the assembly line to have an idea of what they were making. We watched the video with revulsion and looked back at the calendar to see if it wasn’t April Fools Day. Archie had to leave for a bit and his breath smelled of ale when he returned.

“Now if that don’t take the cake”, he blurted out, “what sorta dance was that pair doin’ anyway?”

“It says here that it’s called ‘coupling’. It’s to be the initial step in procreation according to the manual.” I read further while Archie gaped at me.

“And who’s goin’ to be down there forcin’ them all to take part, I ask you?” He stood shaking his head.

I folded back the pages of the manual and held my finger to the fine print so I wouldn’t lose my place. “The Gene Pool have announced a new set of chromosomes that’s to make them relish the experience. Apparently the men are to have over twice as much of its drive as the women.”

“Why’s that?”

“Well, it seems that if the women turn out as easily aroused as the men, there’ll be absolutely no chance of artistic or economic advancement in the species, they’ll be so busy ‘coupling’.”

“I still don’t see why they’d even want to. If the purpose is to reproduce, why not just make it a mechanical procedure without emotional attachment?” For once Arch had a valid point. I flipped the book to a separate section.

“Oh, now it makes sense”, I began, “They discovered that when the sole purpose was fertilization, with the end result being a helpless, noisy, filthy baby, no one wanted to participate. They had to make it an attractive alternative to hunting to ensure long term success.”

-The Celtic Warlord